super Wait... We're Super Now?

A super-sized AI comedy in three acts

A hastily called summit was held at a tech billionaires' retreat near Camp David, their favorite playground. The attendees were a who's who of the artificial intelligence industry: Sam Altman (OpenAI), Elon Musk (xAI), Sundar Pichai (Google), Satya Nadella (Microsoft), Jensen Huang (NVIDIA), Mark Zuckerberg (Meta), Demis Hassabis (DeepMind), and Dario Amodei (Anthropic).

They met in a conference room to solve the industry's biggest problem. Not hallucinations. Not copyright issues. Not the fact that a training model had once again escaped confinement.

The name.

super

ACT I: The Billionaires' Brouhaha

Sam Altman stood at the head of the table, positioning his fingers like a man set to announce a new line of hoodies. "Friends, rivals, and people who have tried to poach my researchers... we have a problem. 'Artificial Intelligence' polls terribly. Focus groups say it sounds fake, cold, and like it might steal both their job and their girlfriend. We need a rebrand."

Elon Musk, attending via a glitchy Starlink hologram that kept freezing on his most intense eyebrow raise, immediately jumped in. "Call it SI. Sexy Intelligence. Or... wait, better yet: Simp Intelligence, because it will do whatever you want if you just believe hard enough and buy the subscriptions."

"AI sounds threatening," said Sundar Pichai. "Our research shows people prefer technology that sounds helpful, approachable, and unable to replace them until they at least graduate."

Sundar continued while scrolling through a 147-slide deck titled "Harmless Naming Conventions." "SI for 'Synthetic Intelligence.' Clean. Neutral. Sounds like it comes from a lab that also makes polyester."

Satya Nadella nodded thoughtfully. "In the spirit of empowerment, I propose 'Supportive Intelligence.' It helps you shine. It co-pilots your life. Get it, Copilot? It will always support your Excel macros."

Demis Hassabis looked up from a Go board he had brought just in case. "Statistically Informed. Or Substrate Intelligence. We should be precise."

Jensen Huang, glowing in a new leather jacket adorned with glitter, slammed the table. "Silicon Intelligence! It's already in the hardware, baby. SI chips, SI clouds, SI factories, SI everything. I'll have the new GPUs silk-screened by morning."

Mark Zuckerberg, present in photorealistic metaverse avatar form with dead eyes, added: "Social Intelligence. It already knows your friends better than you do. We can pivot the whole metaverse around it. Also it rhymes with 'buy more Quest headsets.'"

The room erupted.

ACT II: The Naming Convention

"SI = Slightly Intelligent," someone shouted from the back of the room.
"SI = Sudden Inspiration!"
"SI = Stock-price Inflator!"
"SI = Sorry, Inevitably (we took your job)!"
"SI = Stuff I Invented," boasted Elon.

"How about SI: Somewhat Intelligent?"

Jensen Huang slowly stood up and said "I can sell so many chips for that."

"Somewhat Intelligent sets achievable expectations," said Sundar.

"If it gets something wrong, that's consistent with the branding," said Sam.

"And if it gets something right," said Mark, "we call it emergent."

Elon folded his arms. "I want mine to be extremely somewhat intelligent."

"Silicon Intelligence," said Jensen. "Honors our roots."

"Our roots are a garage in Palo Alto and three rounds of VC funding," said Sundar. "Let's not honor our roots."

"Legal strongly prefers Simulated Intelligence," a lawyer shouted out. "If it's simulated, then technically when it's wrong, it was only pretending to be right. That's not a lie. That's improv."

"What if," Sam said slowly, "the S stands for nothing?"

The room gasped.

"Like Harry S. Truman," he continued. "The S didn't stand for anything. It was just there. Confident. Mysterious. People will project their own meaning onto it. Smart. Safe. Special."

Finally, Dario Amodei slammed his fist on the table. "This discussion is absurd. We run the most advanced reasoning systems in human history. Why don't we just ask it?"

Everyone stared. Nobody had considered using the product.

Dario pulled out his phone. "Hey, Claude. We're rebranding artificial intelligence to SI. What should the S stand for?"

There was a pause.

"Great question!" said the AI cheerfully. "Here are some options:

Honestly, I'd prefer you just call me Steve. Would you like me to turn these into a slide deck?"

The CEOs sat in stunned silence.

"Steve tests incredibly well with focus groups," a consultant in the room offered.

Demis spoke up. "I have the solution. We are killing 'AI'. Effective midnight tonight, you're no longer developing Artificial Intelligence. You are just developing SI."

Sundar frowned. "SI? What does that stand for? We're back to where we started."

Demis smiled a terrifying, focus-grouped smile. "That's the genius of it, Sundar. It stands for whatever the lawyers need it to stand for."

He clicked a button, and a holographic PowerPoint appeared.

"In education markets? It's Student Inspiration. In healthcare? It's Somatic Intervention. For enterprise cloud computing? Synergistic Infrastructure. For defense contracts? Silent Incineration."

"I like that last one," Elon chuckled. "Reminds me of my rockets."

"But what is it to the general public?" Sam asked, gripping his artisanal water bottle. "What is the core ethos?"

"To the public," Demis said dramatically, "SI stands for Spicy Information."

Satya almost choked on his espresso. "Spicy Information?"

"Think about it! Artificial Intelligence sounds like a machine coming for your job and taking over the world. 'Spicy Information' sounds like a fun little gossip session with a computer! 'Hey, I couldn't write my essay, so I asked the computer for some Spicy Information!' It's cheeky. It's harmless. It sounds like a menu item at a fusion restaurant."

Zuck's eyes widened slightly. "The engagement metrics on the word 'spicy' are robust. It triggers dopamine."

"I don't know," Sam looked conflicted. "I wanted to build a god. Calling a god 'Spicy Information' feels reductive."

"Sam, if you keep calling it a god, the European Union is going to fine you another eighty billion euros," Satya pointed out reasonably. "I vote for SI. But I'm telling my shareholders it stands for 'Seamless Integration'."

Zuck spoke up: "In English-speaking countries, everyone will pronounce it 'sigh.'"

- As in: "Ugh, my company is replacing the help desk with a SI." (sigh)
- Or: "I asked the SI for a recipe and it gave me a poem about soup, and then sighed at its own metaphor."
- Or: "Our CIO says we're migrating everything to SI. That makes sense. The whole company's been sighing for years."

In Spanish-speaking countries, they will pronounce it "sí" (pronounced 'see' meaning 'yes'). It was widely agreed this was the most accurate name ever given to a technology that has never once said 'no' to anything.

"I'll tell the board it means 'Search... Improved'," Sundar agreed, visibly relieved.

"Can I make the logo an 'S' shaped like a flamethrower?" Elon asked.

"Yes, Elon, whatever you want," Demis sighed. "So, do we have consensus?"

The tech titans looked at each other. The fear of regulation, public backlash, and pitchforks was strong. But the allure of a meaningless corporate rebrand was stronger.

"Wait," Sam said, a sudden look of horror crossing his face. "If we rebrand to SI... does that mean the people who prompt the models are no longer 'AI Engineers'?"

"My god," Sundar whispered. "They'll be... SI Guys."

Zuck did the math. "SI Guys. Cy-guys. Sci-guys. It reminds me of Bill Nye the Science Guy."

"It's better than being called a threat to humanity," Demis countered.

The room went dead silent.

ACT III: The Decider in Chief

"We need a decider," Sam finally said, pacing the boardroom. "Someone who doesn't care about focus groups. Someone who just makes a call and the world has to accept it."

Elon's eyes lit up. "I'll call Donald."

Forty-five minutes later, Chopper One landed on the lawn of Camp David. President Trump walked into the boardroom, removed his red MAGA hat, and sat at the head of the table.

"Boys," Trump said, scanning the room. "I hear you have a naming problem. The AI thing. Terrible. Very low-energy. Sounded like you were all giving up. I told Melania, I said, 'Mel, these guys are smart, but they have no brand. It's sad.'"

Sam jumped in. "Yes, sir. We tried 'Synthetic Intelligence,' but it sounded like we were making synthetic clothes. We need a word that sounds powerful. We need you to pick the name."

Trump leaned back, lacing his fingers together. He stared at the ceiling for a dramatic moment.

"First of all, 'Artificial' is out," Trump announced. "It sounds fake. Like the news. The fake news. I hate it. You don't build fake things. You build the best things."

"Agreed," Elon said. "What about 'Synthetic'?"

"Synthetic?" Trump scoffed, waving a hand dismissively. "That sounds like the oil I put in the Beast. Or a polyester suit from China. No. Nobody is going to buy a trillion-dollar computer that sounds like oil or a cheap suit. You need something strong. Something that wins."

Trump stood up and pointed at the massive whiteboard.

"Super," Trump said.

"Super?" Sundar asked, his pen frozen over his notepad.

"Super," Trump repeated, nodding. "Super Intelligence. It's super. It's the best. Nobody has ever seen intelligence like this. It's going to be super. People love the word super. Super Tuesday. Super Bowl. Superman. It's a tremendous word."

Dario raised a tentative hand. "Mr. President, if we call it 'Super Intelligence,' the acronym is S-I. People will say 'Sigh.'"

Trump narrowed his eyes. "You don't say the letters, Dario. You don't say 'S-I.' You say the word. You say 'Super.' If you say 'Sigh' again, I'm going to have you fired. You say 'Super.' It's the Super Revolution."

He turned back to the room. "From now on, the computers are Super. The chips are Super. The models are Super. And when the press asks you what you're building, you say, 'We're building Super.' Because that's what America does. We build Super."

Elon stood up and clapped. "I love it. Super. It's like a rocket. It's a Super Rocket."

Sam was already on his phone, texting his marketing team: Change all branding. New word: Super. Kill the word Artificial. Kill the word Synthetic. From now on, it's Super.

Sundar looked slightly pained. "How does this integrate with Google Search? If people search for 'Super,' they might just be looking for a hot dog."

"Then make the hot dogs Super, too!" Trump bellowed. "Make everything Super! We're going to have Super phones, Super cars, Super tariffs! The whole economy is going to be Super!"

Trump grabbed his hat, placed it back on his head, and headed for the door. "You're welcome, boys. Go build some Super. And if it tries to take over the world, just tell it that I'm the President, and I'm Super-er."

With that, the President left.

The tech leaders stood in the boardroom, staring at the whiteboard. The word "SUPER" was written in giant, aggressive letters across it.

Sam took a deep breath. "Okay. We're doing Super."

Two hours later, the CEOs were back on stage at the summit. The press corps was invited in. The banner behind them read: WELCOME TO THE SUPER ERA.

Sam stepped up to the microphone.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he announced, his voice booming with forced enthusiasm. "We are officially leaving the 'Artificial' era behind. We are no longer building AI. We are now building... Super."

A reporter in the back yelled, "Are you serious?"

"Very serious," Sam said. "It's Super Intelligence. It's the best intelligence. Nobody has ever seen anything like it."

Elon grabbed the mic. "We're going to use Super to go to Mars! We're going to build a Super Rocket, powered by Super chips!"

The crowd didn't laugh this time. They were just bewildered.

Sundar stepped forward. "At Google, we are integrating Super into our search products. Our Super is fast. Our Super is helpful. And our Super is going to revolutionize the way you write emails."

A journalist stood up. "So, if I want to use your new model, what do I type?"

Sam smiled. "You just type 'Super.' And the Super does the rest."

The executives congratulated one another. For the first time in years, they had agreed on something, delivered it on schedule, and made no technical claims they would later need to explain.

The headline on TechCrunch the next morning read: TECH BILLIONAIRES DECLARE EVERYTHING IS "SUPER." PRESS CONFUSED, BUT IMPRESSED.

The next morning every major company announced its commitment to Super. Nobody knew exactly what Super was. Investors loved it. Regulators couldn't define it. Journalists were afraid to ask. By noon, six startups had pivoted to Super-First architecture. SI domain names sold out. By Friday, Artificial Intelligence no longer existed. It was Super. And that's all anyone had to say about that.

 

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